Uuuuu.....

Hey, blogger. It's been a while.

It was results day yesterday. I did pretty well- the best I could hope for actually.

A* in Maths (AS & A2)
A in Physics AS
A in Chemistry AS

If you didn't already know, I just finished my first year of sixth form college, and these grades will be used to apply to universities. With this, I'm hoping I can land a conditional offer from Cambridge or Imperial College. That is, of course, being very very optimistic.I don't have many other redeeming qualities, so these results are a real boost! I was planning to apply to Oxford instead if I never achieved an A* in Maths this year, but luckily (not really, I did pretty well if I may say so myself) I didn't need to worry about that.

So, I should feel really glad about this, right?
Well, in some ways, I do. I've felt the relief for most of the day, and the conviction to smack those exams next year. But well... I had to pick up my friend's results today too. 
It was really bad.
Well, not really; but she expected a lot more. Her parents expected a lot more. Heck, even I expected her to do better. 
And it devastated her. She broke down on the phone crying, sobbing, at a loss as to what to do. She hung up not long after to go and break the news to her parents. Gods, I can't imagine how much pain she was going through. Her father is really strict; the typical Asian parent. He expects so much of her. Too much of her. She has so much pressure on her to do well that she can't cope. How much was she suffering as she sat there through her father's lectures and rants?

She called back later. She had nobody else to talk to but me. See, I'm the only other person that knows her results. She was crying so much... I... I didn't know how to help... I...
...
She kept going on about how she had failed life and she didn't know what to do any more. Her life was over. How could she possibly go on enjoying her holiday? How could she achieve her dreams, and meet everyone's expectations?
I couldn't answer those questions. Should I have had an answer? I don't know. I hate myself for it. I longed to help her so badly, but I couldn't do a thing. I had no words of comfort that would ease her suffering, nor did I have a solution to any of this. Yet still she felt guilty for opening her feelings to me and 'ruining my day'. 

She trusted me. I was the one she asked to pick up her results, to carry that burden and help her with it. The others made me realise this today, when they asked whether I was picking up her results. But I'm utterly useless. I couldn't do anything when she needed me the most. I thought, if only, if only she was here, then things would be different. I can't do anything over the phone. But is that really true? Could I really of had helped her somehow? Aren't I just being arrogant? 

I... I don't know. I don't know why this means so much to me. I told her that she could call me any time she wanted, but she never replied. I could completely understand; what good could I possibly be? 

I can only apologize to her. I wish I was a better person. I've tried so hard for so long, but in the end I'm still powerless. Fuck. Uuuuuuuu what do I do what do I do...