Where did it all go wrong?

Seriously, Kevin. When did it all get so bad?
I've missed most of my lectures this year already. Pathetic. It started off as laziness but now i dont know. Maybe im afraid of going there now.
I dont live on campus. That makes everything complicated. I cant make any friends. I feel so alone whenever in at uni. That is, when i AM there. My problems are probably so trivial to the world, yet they're crushing me. I feel so weak and powerless. Im going to fail at this rate. I do care, but i feel too weak to do anything about it. Im pathetic. I dont deserve happiness when im like this. Serves me right.

HI

hi I haven't been here in so long so much stuff has happened um maybe I'll type up some stuff by I'm really tired it's like 4:40am and idk what I'm doing awake I mean it's not like anybody's going to read this anyway jesus christ
sometimes people say they want somewhere to write their feelings well ffs that shit happens but STILL I mean you do want SOMEBODY to read it because you're publishing it online y'know? you're just looking for somebody to listen to you but DAMN I don't want anybody to know about me, the monster that I am. yes monster, the manga was amazing but DAMN SON I feel like total crap. I read the message on the ipod y'know. I just don't know how to respond. I don't know what you're trying to say to me. I don't even know if I should respond, because of the new seeds in my life. It's a dangerous path I'm walking on huh. I don't want to lose what I have now, but knowing me, I'll probably end up throwing it away because I'm a fucking idiot. Meh.

I should let my feelings out sometime. I think Simon is probably the one person I can just talk to without fear of anything coming out. I like Simon. Such a great friend. uuuu simon. Kass better treat you right! You've gotta have tapped that ass, right?!

Well, I'm gotten into some great music. Suicidesheep is a legend. I've been listening to a lot of majesticcasual too. It's weird. I don't even know when I got into this music. It just... happened. I also still love jazz hop - bob42jh is a legend. Ah, I wish I knew where I was going with this post.

I've moved to the bed now. There's so much that I need to type yet there's nothing I have in mind. Clean slate?

I've been playing a lot of LoL recently. It started in october and now I've surpassed some of my mates. Of course there are still things that I'm not too good at- Wing is still the best out of us. I need to break out of this shell and improve myself. I need to soloq! Currently playing a lot of Ezreal, Nocturne, Nami and Nautilus. Nami is the best ever omg best mermaidddddd!!!!! But well the people I play with are sometimes just so shit it makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life ofc we all have bad games but we don't all have bad games 9/10 of the time like you omg stop feeding jesus christ.

Do I really want to talk about my love life? No. Now's not the time. When everything's out in the open, I will! I can talk about my past relationship though, and how it came to an end. Maybe I'll save that for next time?

Been helping at my aunt's garden for the past few saturdays. Hard labour does me some good. I actually enjoy working there a little as it gets me out and about out of the house and stuff. I got tanned for once! But that was from fishing. ANYWAY.

I've gradually overcome my insecurities. Now I can look in the mirror and smile at myself and think DAMN I'M ONE SEXY GUY and I know it's true. I AM good looking. Kinda. So... I don't get down about that any more. I'm not completely a new person- this side to me is normal and will always be here I think. It kinda disappeared when I was with Lily because I meant the world to her. But now it's back and I sort of hate it yet welcome it. It's a kick back into reality. I can lose things important to me if I'm not careful. Yet it's in my nature to push things/people away when I really want them. Self-destructive, huh?

Man, I'm tired. It's 5am. I may/may not have plans tomorrrow. Wednesday I'm probably chilling with Colin, and er, yeah. I wanna meet up with Ebrima sometime too.

A level results. A*AA. I'm so fucking disappointed in myself but right now my personality is so messed up I literally don't give a shit. I flopped all of my maths exams. I flopped physics too. Chemistry I did OK in. But seriously. I was capable of achieving A*A*A*A*. But no. I'm pathetic. Too lazy. You shouldn't be proud of me. Nobody should. I've been surpassed by people that I used to beat- because I got complacent and lazy. I couldn't give a shit any more. Towing doesn't feel as strongly about this- but he's got piano going for him too! But me? With those GCSE results? My A levels should've been way better. I'm a failure. I'm sorry. I'll concentrate in university - I hope.

Speaking of university. The girls. Oh my god. I hope I don't befriend too many qts. Honestly. I have to remain faithful. These past two years can't have been for nothing. Don't tempt me, women!
I used to think I was the type that could stick to one girl no matter what. I'm not so sure any more. Like, with Lily. I did love her but it never worked out in the end. Because of me. I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. Still, I can remain faithful. It's not that hard. I just have to friendzone everyone ha ha ha... Wonder how the fatso will cope. Possesive much? I wonder what will happen///

Anyway, I've typed up a lot of crap and a lot has disappeared from my mind at the same time. I'll sleep. It was nice catching up, blogger.

SEEYA

Personal Statement... ah to hell with it!

So, the submission of UCAS forms looms ever closer. My personal statement needs to be prepared by next week Wednesday- a maximum of 4000 characters, yet I've only written three lines. Surely, something must be done about this urgently! Well, I'm too lazy. Yeah, I'll get it done in time- I'll probably cram it all in on Tuesday and smooth it over the next two weeks, so I'm not too worried. What I am worried about is the B in my physics module 1. Cambridge is looking pretty much for straight As in all modules, so it'll harm my chances a lot. I'm hoping that getting 99% in module 2, and a very high coursework mark will boost my chances back to normal. Well, fingers crossed! Imperial is always another option if Cambridge fails.

My mood isn't great today- a brilliant contrast. Well, ever since I found out the news. I've been putting up a great front though. Never picking the bus seat is OK. I don't mind. Sigh. I guess I should have expected this- that's what always happens. I need to be more person. cryptic talk aaaaaa sorry.

Yeah. Uhm. I'll resolve things. Somehow. Just give me the time that I'll never be allowed to have. Then things will be OK.

ONE SHUDDERS TO IMAGINE WHAT INHUMAN THOUGHTS LIE BEHIND THAT MASK

Best night of CS:GO so far. It'll be hard to beat. Crazy drunk players chatting the most bullshit ever; I don't think the grin on my face budged at all. I was playing amazing today as well- top of the leaderboards twice, and 4 MVPs. That's impressive for somebody who hasn't played CS in years. 

Today in general has been amazing. It was a party (of sorts) for me to celebrate my A level results. Banh Cuon is simply the best food ever. It is great seeing my extended family twice in one weekend- William is so damn cute! I love my cousins, I really do. 
Alex brought over his HG Astray to build, but he really didn't take my advice. He completely ignored me telling him to file the nub marks, and didn't realise he had stickers to use. Well, I lent him a gundam marker so hopefully he'll at least panel line it. 

And to make things even better my friend returned today! I haven't spoken to her since her results. Well, she seems to have cheered up a bit- even if it is only a temporary front. I hope I helped a little today. 
For a week after receiving her results, she was a blank slate- did nothing but stare at the wall. Her only nutrition was water and soup. That's... not really healthy, is it? But she seems to be doing OK now; I hope it lasts. I really want to help her; she needs it so badly. She has chest pains too- and the medicine for it is costing £800. That's crazy, right? And she's not even allowed to eat sushi any more because seafood is bad for her health. 
I know this is really blowing things out of proportion, but if her downward spiral continues without any aid, I'm frightened there'll be no saving her. That's in a worst case scenario. So I want to do what I can now, whilst we're still close. Those 3 weeks she spent abroad felt like a lifetime apart from her; and one of those weeks she was seriously depressed. I don't want to be a hero or anything like that- I just want to help a friend. Is that so wrong?

Ooops, here I am shitposting when I have been enjoying the day to its fullest. I shall head off to bed now, and hope this great mood sticks. See ya!

Gunpla!

I've been trying to get back into gunpla recently. Stocking up on tools and paints is all a part of the process! 

Last week I built the 1/144 HG Beginning D Gundam. Painting HG kits is a bit of a chore, so many details left out, and the pieces are so small it's hard to not paint over the wrong parts, even with tape. Well, let's just say it didn't turn out too badly. I'm not a big fan of HGs, but my uncle bought me this one from Japan. I need to buy some white and red paint too. I just ordered a pot of cobalt blue for my 00 Seven Sword, might buy some sky blue to mix too. The original colour is a bit too dark.

I also repainted the frame of my MG Mk.II, but ended up breaking a bit of it (cries) but now it looks much better. Inner frame used to be purple, which was idiocy on my part. Ignore ignore. Ah, I need to improve on my decals! I messed up my Mk.II ones ages ago, so I need some others to practice on. I'm afraid of messing it up on my Seven Sword. urk. Well, I shall just have to give it a go. I will build it after the MG AGE-2, which should arrive sometime next week! I'm really looking forward to it- AGE kits are so nice. Then I plan to buy the Wing. KA, so hopefully I shall be building that in two/three weeks time.

Uuuuu.....

Hey, blogger. It's been a while.

It was results day yesterday. I did pretty well- the best I could hope for actually.

A* in Maths (AS & A2)
A in Physics AS
A in Chemistry AS

If you didn't already know, I just finished my first year of sixth form college, and these grades will be used to apply to universities. With this, I'm hoping I can land a conditional offer from Cambridge or Imperial College. That is, of course, being very very optimistic.I don't have many other redeeming qualities, so these results are a real boost! I was planning to apply to Oxford instead if I never achieved an A* in Maths this year, but luckily (not really, I did pretty well if I may say so myself) I didn't need to worry about that.

So, I should feel really glad about this, right?
Well, in some ways, I do. I've felt the relief for most of the day, and the conviction to smack those exams next year. But well... I had to pick up my friend's results today too. 
It was really bad.
Well, not really; but she expected a lot more. Her parents expected a lot more. Heck, even I expected her to do better. 
And it devastated her. She broke down on the phone crying, sobbing, at a loss as to what to do. She hung up not long after to go and break the news to her parents. Gods, I can't imagine how much pain she was going through. Her father is really strict; the typical Asian parent. He expects so much of her. Too much of her. She has so much pressure on her to do well that she can't cope. How much was she suffering as she sat there through her father's lectures and rants?

She called back later. She had nobody else to talk to but me. See, I'm the only other person that knows her results. She was crying so much... I... I didn't know how to help... I...
...
She kept going on about how she had failed life and she didn't know what to do any more. Her life was over. How could she possibly go on enjoying her holiday? How could she achieve her dreams, and meet everyone's expectations?
I couldn't answer those questions. Should I have had an answer? I don't know. I hate myself for it. I longed to help her so badly, but I couldn't do a thing. I had no words of comfort that would ease her suffering, nor did I have a solution to any of this. Yet still she felt guilty for opening her feelings to me and 'ruining my day'. 

She trusted me. I was the one she asked to pick up her results, to carry that burden and help her with it. The others made me realise this today, when they asked whether I was picking up her results. But I'm utterly useless. I couldn't do anything when she needed me the most. I thought, if only, if only she was here, then things would be different. I can't do anything over the phone. But is that really true? Could I really of had helped her somehow? Aren't I just being arrogant? 

I... I don't know. I don't know why this means so much to me. I told her that she could call me any time she wanted, but she never replied. I could completely understand; what good could I possibly be? 

I can only apologize to her. I wish I was a better person. I've tried so hard for so long, but in the end I'm still powerless. Fuck. Uuuuuuuu what do I do what do I do...

BENKYO

Once again on the wrong track. What have I been doing this past week?
tl;dr on all of my blog posts HAH
The answer is nothing. I'm wasting my time again at this juncture. I should be studying and reading, trying hard to do my best for those exams. But no! All I've done is watch Blade and anime. Jfc Kevin what are you doing are you a moron the answer is YES you are.
I'm not going to get my expected marks at this rate. I need to FIX UP, as Alan or Aaron would say. Seriously being a bad lad at this juncture.
I really do love physics. I just finished reading Stephen Hawking's 'A Brief History of Time' and it was amazing. I love all of those ideas; and I love the idea of going into theoretical physics when I'm older. But it'll never become a reality at this rate, and I realise that; and yet I'm not doing my hardest to make it become a reality! That's what I'm so pissed off at myself about.
I keep on blaming it on my upbringing: if I hadn't been exposed to anime and video games, maybe I would've grown up into a proper academic? Maybe I would be the one getting 100% on every exam, and have a 100% chance of getting into Cambridge?
But I can't imagine myself without anime and games. I sometimes wish I hadn't become this sort of person, but that's the wrong line of thinking- I can't change what's come to pass. So it's all about what I do from this point on. The only problem is that I keep coming to this standstill, where I stray off my path and end up procrastinating and destroying my chances of doing well. I just watched all of Kamen Rider Blade in 5 days, and as much as I enjoyed it, I feel like shit for wasting my time watching it. It's not even just that. Sleeping at 5am and waking up in the afternoon shouldn't be acceptable if I want to study. I need to fix up real bad.
I won't succeed by just taking things easy. Everybody else is trying their hardest, yet I'm doing nothing. Fuck you, Kevin! You are the biggest idiot ever. You don't deserve anything good if you don't work for it!
So the bottom line is, I need to start studying. 4 hours a day minimum. I will begin that on Sunday, I promise. Tomorrow I must go to the cemetery and then to my cousins' house. I have an excuse! I wish I didn't have one, and that I could start tomorrow. But it must instead be Sunday. I must not switch on the laptop until I have done at least 4 hours of work. Can I pull it off? I really hope I can.

Studies aside, my life is meaningless. I mean, I am a huge otaku faggot nerd so I won't be getting a girlfriend, right. I am pretty positive about that. Cute girls EVERYWHERE at college, but NOPE KEVIN NOPE. I'm not even hoping for anything at this point- well, at least I'm trying my best not to hope for anything. I'm half-way there! But whenever I see a particular cute girl/picture, I lose myself and I'm like DAMN KEVIN YOU LOSER YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET A GIRLFRIEND THAT GREAT. Seriously man, I will never do as well as I have before. Being young was great. I feel like a shit now haha. I guess this is what growing up is like- realising what you are and what your capabilities are. Well, if I fail in the field of love, I'll at least succeed in physics! And to do that I must study harder! That's right, it's a closed circle- failure to success!

So my love should be for robots and physics. Can we just leave it at that? Nope because cute girls will always exist and they are the bane of KEVIN. Welp, I enjoy admiring from a distance anyway- as long as that distance isn't TOO far apart. Hehheheheheheh creep mode activate ohhhy eyahaaaaaa

Nothing else worth mentioning exist I think of myself pretty lowly right now and I need to FIX UP ok bye lol I like how my grammar deteriorates by the end of my posts hah ok